tAkE mY tEaRs!

去年万圣节我是莫名其妙的海盗。

在神不知鬼不觉的时刻你暧昧地走夜路到我房间 之后我飞去明尼苏达见几年前不再说话的女友。
你救了我一次。

现在我们都惊讶当时能有那么多话可以说。





[去年]

高三时候的男朋友的名字是3个数字组成的。

喜欢他的女生眼睛细长皮肤很白。那时间我经常和他交换很长很短的字条。

他说他怎么也无法喜欢上那个女生 于是我就成了他的女友。

他日复一日站在教室后门等我，只为了欣赏我谈吐优雅的同座。

很久之后他对我说我的同座只是他臆造出的完美形象，打了个好看的包。

我说 看来你也什么都没得到。

连叔本华在他言辞智障（有可能是翻译不好）的【论女人】里都说
【女人应比男人更加温和、沉静并平凡，亦即既不能比男人欢乐，也不能比男人更痛苦。 】

那些冲动 撕咬 尖声喘息都只是象征 仿佛惊喜的礼物带来的惊喜一样 只是给所有人一个台阶下。 往往我越用力地过去拥抱他 尖声叫着真的是给我的吗? 越能从内心生发一种有色有味的平静。

其实最自然的方式当然是点头接受 如果感动我会在3分钟后哭出眼泪来。但我喜爱某种程度上的克制，仿佛只要不迸发 就不会由幸福的顶端变成沙哑和虚假。有时候人们并不称其为克制 而是骂它冷血。

大学时候有个人给我买来个加湿器。我一把接过来说了个谢谢。然后就带着他走出校园。他因此和我分手了。说我完全不爱他。

我渴望一种热情。但是它藏在哪里，绝对不是那最天真或最淫乱的时刻。

在你衣袖或者指尖的一点。在你头发上，或者根本不在你身上。 一下子我就能感激地流下泪来。但是往往是追寻不到的。那种热情。我也无法让你明白。

我这么喜爱跟随别人的想法 顺从感想。关键时刻我还是讨厌不顾事实的狡辩的。

北京的西单某栋大商场的背后有不平稳的地面，地面的两侧是相隔很近的墙。
由于地面太不平稳而我总穿着人字拖走路十分不便利  所以就一直没有抬头看过那些墙属于什么建筑。

----路痴就是这样形成的吧。由于无法专心记住路标。和一直用【后面】【左边】【下面】来描述地理位置的习惯。

穿过那个巷子就到了90年代中期。

有90年代中期一样的电影院 商场 自行车 饭碗 蒲扇 书店 和人。和我同去的人总是在90年代的敞篷大卖场一样的地方观看运动鞋和短袖。并且问我吃不吃烤串。我们去落满灰尘的书店观看连环画，看到一半我就打呵欠。和我同去的人总以忧伤的眼神回头看我一眼，又变作不屑地走向另个书架。

自从我被和我同去的人批驳了带着相机晃悠的习惯，我就觉得出游的时刻很难不打呵欠。完全不是因为我觉得无趣。由于走了4小时路，眼睛和脖子最先累。又没有相机带领我的眼睛和脖子主动旋转向好看的地方，我就呆呆站在木头柜子或者小摊贩的身边，一摇一晃地开始掏烟。

想不到掏烟这个动作也被禁止了。我就只有坐在马路崖上吐气。

我真是个无趣又不讨喜的人啊。

而和我同去的人及其敏感又小学语文学得很好。因为他很能上升事情的含义。比如这一次他就认为我只因喜爱世俗的歌舞升平火树银花而不喜爱这样一个廉价的90年代之卖场。最终总能导致异常无声的争吵。

我生平反感人们的眼神里包含太多意义又不晓得用嘴。我就生气地一步跨出书店去走到90年代电影院的墙角点烟去了。

90年代电影院是我向往的地方，他们居然有手画的海报，颜色鲜艳，不知道是什么电影。黑洞洞的门里飘出来爆米花的味道。我瞬间忘了在冷战跟同去的人讲 我们去看电影吧。

他说不。我们走吧。

走路的时刻又有风，是点不着烟的，这种时刻很尴尬。明知道并没有人在看，但还是握住被烧黑但没点着的烟头四下张望。张望的同时，和我同去的人已经向前走了很远了。

在他自动走远的时刻，我顿时觉得轻松，又为这些轻松而感到愧疚，因为丝毫不想安慰前面这个忧伤的人。

如果在下个转角我就逃走，我就不会成为今天的我了。我总这么想。

小抄：
拜伦，春逝

【若我会见到你，事隔经年。
我如何和你招呼，以眼泪，以沉默。】

leonard Cohen.- Chelsea Hotel

I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel,
you were talking so brave and so sweet,
giving me head on the unmade bed,
while the limousines wait in the street.
Those were the reasons and that was New York,
we were running for the money and the flesh.
And that was called love for the workers in song
probably still is for those of them left.

Ah but you got away, didn't you babe,
you just turned your back on the crowd,
you got away, I never once heard you say,
I need you, I don't need you,
I need you, I don't need you
and all of that jiving around.

I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel
you were famous, your heart was a legend.
You told me again you preferred handsome men
but for me you would make an exception.
And clenching your fist for the ones like us
who are oppressed by the figures of beauty,
you fixed yourself, you said, "Well never mind,
we are ugly but we have the music."

And then you got away, didn't you babe,
you just turned your back on the crowd
you got away, I never once heard you say,
I need you, I don't need you,
I need you, I don't need you
and all of that jiving around.

I don't mean to suggest that I loved you the best,
I can't keep track of each fallen robin.
I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel,
that's all, I don't even think of you that often.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Suzanne takes you down     苏姗她领着你
to her place near the river    去她在河边的住处
you can hear the boats go by    你可以听见船开过
you can spend the night beside her    可以在那里和她过夜
And you know she's half crazy    你知道她有些疯狂
But that's why you want to be there    所以你愿意和她在一起

and she feeds you tea and oranges    她用橘子茶款待你
that come all the way from China    它们来自遥远的中国
And just when you mean to tell her    当你告诉她 
that you have no love to give her    你没有爱可以给她
then she gets you on her wavelength    她让你感受她的心灵
and she lets the river answer    她让那河流回答
that you've always been her lover    你永远都是她的爱人

Now Suzanne takes your hand    苏姗牵着你的手
and she leads you to the river    她带你来到河里
she is wearing rags and feathers    她披着布片和羽毛
from Salvation Army counters    那是救世军的装束
And the sun pours down like honey    当阳光像蜜一样
on our lady of the harbour    洒在港口女神像身上
And she shows you where to look    穿过垃圾和花丛
among the garbage and flowers    苏姗她指给你看

And Jesus was a sailor    耶稣是个水手
when he walked upon the water    他曾在水面上行走
and he spent a long time watching    从他孤独的木塔里
from his lonely wooden tower    他曾长久地凝望
and when he knew for certain    直到他终于确信
only drowning men could see him    只有溺水的人才能见到他
he said All men will be sailors then    他说所有的人都会去航行
until the sea shall free them    直到大海给他们自由
but he himself was broken    可他自己已经破碎
long before the sky would open    早在天门打开之前   
forsaken, almost human    像凡人一样被遗弃
he sank beneath your wisdom    他在你的智慧中沉沦
like a stone    像一块石头

And you want to travel with her    你想和她一起去远行
and you want to travel blind    没有目的地远行
and you know that she will trust you    你知道她会信任你
for you've touched her perfect body    你曾触摸她完美的躯体 
with your mind    用你的心

There are heroes in the seaweed     那里有缠绕在海藻里的英雄
there are children in the morning     那里有在晨光中的孩子们
they are leaning out for love    他们正在试着去爱

And you want to travel with her     你想和她一起去远行 
and you want to travel blind       没有目的地远行 
you know that you can trust her     你知道你会信任她
for she's touched your perfect body     她曾触摸你完美的躯体
with her mind    用她的心

no one says it's easy.
AND everyone s mourning for his own loss.

you r not exceptional.

 

[ I hung myself out on the line

Beneath an argentina sky

And i expected there to dry

Beneath the argentina sky

Upon the rooftop here so high

Beneath the argentina sky

The storm did call me to its side

Beneath the argentina sky



And the dogs of buenos aires they will take you from your sleep

Between the firecrackers cackling and the taxis in the street

And if you wake up lonely better throw some shoes upon those feet

To keep the heartbreak from taking your life



Once i had planned to be your bride

Before this argentina sky

Now i just tend my wounded pride

Under this argentina sky

Now i want the rain to fall into my eyes

From this argentina sky

The thunder to match my anguished cries

Beneath this argentina sky



I looked into the darkening and while the air did chill

I knew that though i'm here in exile that you should love me still

And when the rain began to pound i lifted up my face until

I was soaked with the ache of the sky



Ella hacía el lavado de una terraza,

Mientras el sol le quemaba la espalda,

Ella intentaba fregar el sudor de su desconsuelo,

Escurrir las lágrimas,

Pero antes que la tarea estuviera terminada,

La ropa todavía doliente en la soga,

Bajó desde el delta un viento poderoso

Y las nubes se cargaron a lo largo del cielo

¡Rápido, adentro, cerrad las ventanas, viene una tormenta!

Sacá tu ropa de la soga.



So many tears could make me blind

Beneath this argentina sky

But still my love for you i can't deny

Even under argentina's skies

I'll seek until a path to you i find

Under these argentina skies

When will you take me back inside

From under argentina's skies



I looked into the darkening and while the air did chill

I knew that though i'm here in exile that you should love me still

And when the rain began to pound i lifted up my face until

I was soaked with the ache of the sky

When will you take me back inside

From under these argentine skies?]

those stones taught me to fly.
and it's love who taught me to lie.

so come on courage, teach me to be shy.